Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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