I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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