For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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