I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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