Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
