so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
