WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
