how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
