My sheets look like a crime scene.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
