**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
