somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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