I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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