A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
