Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
