sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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