I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He shit in the fireplace
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
