Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
