Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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