I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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