Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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