My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
