You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
