Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
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