I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
