I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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