wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
