I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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