Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
