Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
