The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
