I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
