my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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