i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
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the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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