im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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