I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
