I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
