Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
