Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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