because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
