Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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