I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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