I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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