kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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