I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
