I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
