even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
