wanna go halves on a baby?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
