my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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