I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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