There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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