i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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